When you’re a world-class actor with multiple awards under your belt, you have the luxury of choosing what roles you’ll take — or better yet — what roles you’ll even consider.

For Denzel Washington, the choice is simple, as long as the script follows his one rule: “I won’t go woke.” Casting directors politely tell the actor if a role will likely cross that line so nobody wastes anyone’s time with auditions and callbacks.

“I got a role this week that Denzel would have looked great in,” said Paramount’s Joe Barron, “But three-quarters of the way into the script you find out he appreciates the musk of a man because he was raised by two dads. That’s a big no for the D man.”

Washington says he hates being characterized as some kind of social justice warrior just because of the color of his skin and the roles he’s chosen throughout his career. “Remember the Titans was a great story about teenage boys and football,” he said, “We won state.”

ALLOD Entertainment Correspondelator Tara Newhole says she’s having a hard time finding a Denzel film that doesn’t have some bit of “wokeness” to it: “First, you have to define woke. There are social constructs and definitions out there, but the simplest way to determine if something is woke or not is to gauge how the topic would do on Elon’s Cesspool X,” she reported, “If the major players over there hate something, it’s woke. It’s really that simple.”

Newhole says that would cut Denzel from most of his own movies, which she doesn’t see as feasible or even remotely believable. “It’s like when we convinced them that Mike Tomlin was on their side about anthem kneeling,” said Newhole, “it’s just all so silly, but — you know — that’s what we do.”

Tara is right, patriots. This whole thing is nothing if not silly. God Bless America.