Sinise says he’s grateful to have been in a great movie like Forrest Gump, but that he wished someone else had played the role. “Ben Stiller does a great full-retard,” he said, “He would have done well.”

Sinise despised Hanks so much that he went on to work with him two more times. “We were in close proximity during Apollo 13,” he explained, “But the zero-gravity environment made it difficult for him to move around too much, so I felt pretty safe. He had something going with Michael Clark Duncan in The Green Mile, though.”

Our research department had a hard time figuring out exactly why everyone to the right of Lindsay Graham hates Tom Hanks, then we realized he’s on the cult’s list of alleged pedophiles. There’s no evidence or even an inkling that the accusations are true, but in the court of public opinion among morons, Tom Hanks is very, very bad.

That’s our story and we’re sticking with it, patriots. God Bless America.